Ask for what you want (without killing the mood)

Sex without clear and direct communication is like trying to cook in the dark with mismatched utensils—technically possible, but why suffer when you could just…turn on the damn light? When we actually say what we want, everything gets hotter, smoother, and way less unsure. Think of communication in bed as lube for the nervous system: it helps things slide and glide right into place.

And still, so many people hesitate to speak up mid-thrust. We worry it’ll break the vibe, make us seem demanding, or shift us into “too much” territory. But honestly? The real “too much” is lying there thinking, "ugh, if only they’d go a little lower…slower…firmer…or to the left." Or, worse,  wishing they'd fucking stop what they're doing altogether because it feels straight-up bad. 

This (not) just in: saying something is actually way better, as options go. Asking for what you want is not only allowed—it’s sexy AF.

The mood-killer myth

There’s a long-standing bullshit cultural script suggesting that voicing your desires ruins the spontaneity of sex (especially if you're a woman). As if sexy energy is some fragile soufflé that collapses the moment you open your mouth (could the opposite be true?). Most partners want to know what works for you because it gives them confidence, direction, and the feeling that they’re genuinely turning you on. Not to mention, open mouths, hearts, and minds alike are super sexy.

So, no, the mood does not die when you speak; it dies when you disconnect from your own pleasure. Guidance isn’t interruption; it’s collaboration. And erotic energy doesn’t evaporate when you talk—it grows, sharpens, and hones in, baby. Saying, “like that” or “right there” is basically dirty talk’s responsible older cousin.

Creative & embodied ways to ask for what you want

If you're feeling emboldened, ready to open up and show your lover who you really are, try any (or all) of these wisened approaches the next time you’re tangled up with someone—each one is a standalone invitation to stay present, honest, and grounded in your own desire.

1. Guide my hands

Say your partner is touching you, but things are juuust slightly off. Instead of silently hoping they’ll read your mind, place your hand over theirs and gently shift. You can say, “here—yeah, right there. Just a little slower, like this.” It gives them instant feedback and keeps everything warm and connected. Plus, guiding someone’s hands is a whole genre of foreplay all by itself.

2.  I want you to...[fill in the blank]

Maybe you’re in that delicious kissing-and-grinding stage. Lean in and tell them softly, “I want you to kiss my neck,” or “I want your hands on my hips.” It’s directive, but whispered desire lands like a compliment, not a command. To dial it up, add a little breath: “I love when you do this—can you keep going?” Suddenly you’re not giving instructions; you’re seducing with specifics.

3. Mid-thrust tune-up

If you’re already in the heat of it and require an adjustment, skip the apology (!) and go straight for calm, hawt clarity. “A little deeper,” “stay right there,” or “can you slow down for a sec?” are all sexxxy, efficient, and keep you connected. You can even make it playful: “wait—I'm shifting a bit so it hits just right.” Nothing kills the mood less than someone confidently asserting their own pleasure.

4. Body-language blossoming

Sometimes words feel too heavy—in these cases, your body can do the talking. Tilt your hips, pull your partner closer, or guide their mouth to where you want it. Pair it with a low, “yes, just like that,” or “more of that.” The combo of movement and verbal affirmation gives your SO a literal map of what’s working. It’s sexy, intuitive, and keeps you both locked into the moment.

5. Dirty talk disguise

Asking for what you want can blend flawlessly into your dirty talk. If you want more pressure, try “grab me harder” on for size. If you want oral in a certain way, “I love when your tongue circles me here.” It sounds like filth (yesss), but it’s also excellent communication. Partners rarely resist instructions that double as arousal accelerators.

6. Permission slip switch-up

In sex, as in life, some people hold back because they don’t want to come off as demanding—if this sounds like you, try asking in a way that’s framed as shared exploration. “Wanna try something?” or “can I show you what I’m craving?” offers mutual permission. Once they say yes (and they will), guide them: “come closer. I want your body against mine like this.” It feels collaborative instead of corrective, and it builds anticipation rather than pressure.

7. The praise sandwich

Positive reinforcement works in bed too—and it can be downright electric. Try, “I love the way you’re touching me…can you go a bit slower?” or “that’s amazing; a little more pressure would drive me insane.” Compliment, request, compliment. It keeps the vibe warm and encourages your partner to keep exploring with confidence.

8. Be my mirror

If you’re trying something new or want your rhythm matched, offer a playful challenge. “Match my pace,” or “let me show you and then mirror my movement.” It turns guidance into a game, one that builds intimacy rather than interrupting it. And when they sync with you? Mind-shattering. It’s teamwork and dreamwork all bound up in one titillating encounter. 

Post-sex check-ins

Just because the bodies have stopped moving doesn’t mean the conversation should end. Checking in afterward builds trust, deepens intimacy, and helps make the next round even better. And honestly, it’s hot hearing what your partner liked about you—it extends the glow long after the sweat has dried.

A short, flirty check-in avoids any heavy “performance report” energy and keeps it light, fun, and curious. Think of it as dessert.

You might try questions like:

- “What was your favorite part?”

- “What should we do again?”

- “Was there anything you wanted more of?”

- “What surprised you?”

- "What was your orgasm like?"

Asking for what you want in bed does not (I repeat does not) kill the mood—it builds it. Desire gets clearer, connection gets stronger, and pleasure soars when you use your words. And the more you speak up, the more you invite your partner to name their desires too. So go ahead: say the thing, ask for the thing, guide it home. Your body already knows what it wants—you might just surprise yourself with how incredible it feels to stop holding back.