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Dirty Talk 101: a beginner’s guide to talking dirty

By Louise Head

Talking dirty to someone can be a deeply sexy and satisfying way to turn both you and your partner on. It can create suspense in a hookup as you paint a wet, hot picture of what’s about to go down. 

Also. Talking dirty can be awkward. If you aren’t comfortable and in the mood, dirty talk can make you feel on the spot, unsure, or downright embarrassed.

But fear not! There are some actual ways to hone your talent for expressing deliciously obscene thoughts. 

Choose your medium 

Before you foray into talking dirty, think about where and how you would feel most comfortable experimenting with this. Would it feel most natural to incorporate dirty talk while you are actually having sex with a partner? Would you be more willing to experiment with sexting than face-to-face dirty talk at first? If saying words like fuck and cunt and cock feel absolutely impossible to utter out loud, would it help to just pull out a piece of paper and start writing down some of your fantasies (with the option to tear it right up after releasing those thoughts)?

Figure out what feels possible for you and then commit to a little experiment. 

Keep it simple 

The easiest way to jump into talking dirty is to verbalize what you want to do to the other person or what you like about what they are doing to you. The more specific and descriptive you can get, the better. If you’re dirty talking to someone you have had sex with before, just add narration to the sex acts that already feel organic and sexy between the two of you. You don’t have to come up with wild fantasies that likely wouldn’t happen in your real life sexual encounters. 

If you tend to give your partner head for a while before moving to penetrative sex, try giving your partner a preview of what you’re about to do before doing it. For example, I love how you taste. I want your cock in my mouth. Or, I want to lick you until you’re about to come and then I want to feel you inside me. Simple. Just a filthy AF description of how you envision sex going over the next twenty minutes. 

Choose your words wisely  

Our culture doesn’t often provide us with adequate words to express ourselves sexually. Terms like clitoris, vagina, and penis can feel very clinical to some while slang expressions for sex can feel very coarse to others. Everyone will have different words for body parts and sex acts that feel right to them. 

When you’re talking dirty, don’t feel pressured to use words that don’t feel sexy and good in your mouth. Of course, take into account how your partner likes their body to be referred to, but otherwise, use words that feel fitting for you. You might love the word pussy but can’t quite say the words cunt with a straight face. That’s ok. 

Know your partner’s boundaries 

On that note, remember to refer to your partner, their body, and their actions in ways that they consent to. For example, your partner may beg you to call them a dirty whore in bed, but don’t do this if they haven’t asked. Check in with any boundaries your partner has around language that is used to refer to them sexually. 

Ask for what you want  

Another bonus about talking dirty is that it can double as a way for you to practice identifying what you desire and asking for it from a partner. This type of communication can enhance consent before and during sex. 

Take a moment to reflect on how you like to be touched. Think about which sex acts and which ways of touching actually bring you the most pleasure. Once you have this, distill your thoughts into sexy requests that you can share with your partner.

I want you to bite my nipples softly while you slide your fingers inside me. 

I want you to run your tongue slowly over my clit again and again.

It’s probably worth saying that dirty talk is just one way to ask for what you want. You are always allowed to ask for what you want sexually, period. Dirty talk is just one conduit for this important type of conversation. 

Share fantasies 

If you’re feeling ready to step up your dirty talk a notch, you can share your fantasies with a partner. This could just mean describing in detail a fictional encounter you made up in your head. You can also describe fantasies about things that you have not yet done with a partner. These could be things you would be interested in doing OR things you imagine but don’t necessarily want to bring into real life. 

For example, maybe you’re interested in anal play and dirty talk is a way you can describe how sexy this sounds for you. Or maybe you have a recurring fantasy of your partner spanking you. You’re not yet sure it’s something you’d do in real life but walking your partner through it brings you some thrill and helps you to imagine if you could see this happening in your real life encounters.

This type of dirty talk can help you expand and explore sexually as you verbally experiment with imaginary settings, interpersonal interactions, and new sex acts that you haven’t tried in real life. Just make sure you have your partner’s consent if they are an active character in your story. 

If you’re struggling but you’re not giving up 

If talking dirty really feels a little awkward to you no matter what, a lower key way of bringing words into the bedroom is just to affirm what feels really good to you. Saying things like, That feels so good, and, Yes. More. OMG more, are ways that you can begin verbally communicating pleasure to your partner in a low-pressure way. And remember, if you’re not a talker, it’s ok to not want to dirty talk at all! 

In the end, remember that talking dirty is about finding ways to turn yourself on as much as it is to tease and please your partner. If you aren’t into it, it’s unlikely that talking dirty will be fun for either of you. Let your words be guided by your authentic desire to touch and be touched. If you stay in that genuine, sexy space, you might find the words flow out of you like unexpected freeform erotica. Have fun playing! 

Cover image source: Thubakabra

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