4 ways to use communication to improve your sex life

By Lilith Bealove

Sadly, to most people, talking about sex is still considered taboo. Bringing kink and desires into the conversation can make it even more uncomfortable. Talking to your partner about what you like or want to try in bed can feel difficult and strange. But not talking about what you want can cause problems in other parts of your relationship.

For example, if you've found yourself spending a lot of time reading DD/lg (Dom Daddy/little girl) erotica and fantasize about calling your partner "daddy" during sex, but are hesitant to bring it up, this may be because you feel they will shame you for being into something that society says is "taboo." Not talking to them about this and feeling that they will shame you can cause you to hide other parts of your personality from them. You may even begin to resent them for not creating a safe place to talk about your kinks.

Here are some ways to ease into the conversation.

“What do you like?” 

As simple as this sounds, this is the best place to start when you’re trying to be more open with your partner. When your partner answers, pay attention, provide a safe place, and do not judge them. You shouldn’t make faces or say “ew” when they confide in you. Not only should you ask your partner what they are into, but you should also share what you're into as well. 

Knowing what your partner is into will help you to start your journey into being a better lover. You may find that they simply want more oral sex or foreplay. Or they may surprise you and share that they are really interested in some forms of BDSM. If they don't know what they're into, take time to research and play around with different activities. Remember, "your kink is not my kink, but that is okay." My husband is interested in things that bring me no pleasure, but since they cause me no harm, I occasionally indulge in them for his pleasure.

“Do you like that?” 

After you and your partner figure out what you are into and you start to explore these new sexual outlets, be sure to stop and ask if they like it. Checking in to see if they are enjoying themselves will open the floor to discussion about if they are into it as much as they thought they would be or if they had something different in mind. It may feel strange to interrupt sexual activity to discuss what’s going on, but with practice, it will become part of the allure.

For example, if you and your partner have agreed to try a little more teeth with oral sex, try grazing your teeth along the shaft of their penis. If they don't react visually or audibly, take a break and ask if they liked it. They may respond with one or two words, or they might suggest you try it on the head of their penis. Keep communication going when you are trying new things in the bedroom. The more you communicate, the easier it truly becomes.

“What can I do to please you?”

Sometimes my partner's fingers feel like sandpaper on my clit, while other times it feels like silk gliding across my labia. When I find their fingertips to be too abrasive, I express that it is uncomfortable. Usually, they follow up with "what can I do to make you feel good?" or they will try something else and ask “is that better?” This simple statement is enough to send new waves of pleasure through me, because it is so erotic and sensual to be asked what they can do to make me feel good. Sometimes I'll suggest oral or that we use a toy. Other times we will be in the middle of sex, and my husband will ask me what I want. In other words, what can I do to please you?

Asking your partner what you can do to please them opens the door for them to tell you what they are feeling at that moment. You may find they are feeling submissive and want to be tied up and teased or that they are enjoying what you're already doing. This is also a great time to express what you want.

“I like it when you ______.”

I find myself using this one a lot, I even incorporate it into my dirty talk. "I like it when you make the "C" shape with your tongue on my clit," "I like it when you throw my legs over your shoulders," "I like it when you call me a bad girl and spank me." There are so many ways to use this phrase and it will open the conversation to talk about what you and your partner enjoy, or you can use it as a gateway to dirty talk in the heat of the moment.

If you're finding that you have a hard time expressing what you like, send it in a text when sexting or talking about sex. Even a simple “I miss you and cannot wait to feel your fingers in my hair” can get your partners imagination flowing. It can feel strange, at first, to openly express that you like something your partner does, but it helps to encourage them to do it more.

Many couples who attempt to explore this type of communication find it difficult at first. Since society deems talking about sex to be taboo, people feel uncomfortable talking about their kinks and activities they want to try, even with a trusting, caring partner. But having this conversation can make your sex life so much more fulfilling and you may discover that your partner shares some of your same interests! Try using some of these questions and phrases to get the discussion going and above all, have fun.


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