Navigating sex with autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental condition commonly classified as neurodivergent, and it can cause a range of developmental disorders including social, cognitive, communicative, and behavioral challenges. People with autism see their day-to-day functionality affected by it in many different ways and at varying intensities. This range of impacts is known as the “spectrum.” If you’ve been diagnosed with autism, you may be able to live a regular life with relatively few hiccups. On the other hand, some people with autism are significantly affected by cognitive or language barriers—those in the latter group may be diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, a common diagnosis included under the broader ASD umbrella.
While symptoms vary widely, common autism symptoms include: avoiding eye contact; hyper focus on a given interest; difficulty understanding the thoughts or emotions of others; being highly gifted cognitively, social anxiety, an inability to register sarcasm, a fear of deviating from patterns or routines; lack of capacity to stay engaged in a conversation; an inability to communicate via tone of voice, difficulty following social rules, engaging in repetitive behaviors, and having specific needs around personal space.
While autism doesn’t affect sexual development directly, it can certainly influence your sexual relationships due to its overall effect on your ability to communicate with others, among other factors.
How autism can affect sexual experience
If you’re on the spectrum, you may have experienced the following sexual challenges at one point or another:
Being labelled as non-sexual
If you regularly display communication and social difficulties due to your autism, you may have experienced being labelled (by the neurotypical among us) as having no sexual thoughts or desires. And yet studies show that people with ASD develop and maintain the same level of sexual interest as other people.
Elevated sensory sensitivity
Sex can be really overwhelming. Sensory sensitivity to the sounds, sights, tastes, smells, and sensations of sex may make you uncomfortable, or not want to engage in a particular act, which, of course, should always be communicated. It may be a certain texture, tone, or scent that you find overstimulating. For some, it’s simple eye contact. In the bedroom, hypersensitivity can make you highly responsive to both turn-offs and turn-ons.
Hypersexuality
For some people with autism, challenging social situations paired with a tendency to physical hypersensitivity can cause hypersexuality. If this is you, you might, in an effort to fulfill your needs, end up expressing sexual feelings in ways that are deemed socially inappropriate, abnormal, or sometimes even harmful to others. Not to mention, when one partner has a higher sex drive, it can cause conflict in a relationship— particularly if the hypersexual person prefers to seek relief from sources other than their partner, such as porn or by having an affair.
Communication is not always straightforward
One partner may not realize the other is feeling unfulfilled, uncomfortable, or anxious, particularly if communication is weak. You will likely benefit from discussing your needs and boundaries with your partner before engaging in sexual activity. If you do not build a strong rapport of mutual understanding (easier said than done), they may think that you do not have the best intentions for them or the relationship. If you find it difficult to communicate when overwhelmed (such as when having sex), anxiety is a natural result.
Educational barriers
A 2021 study found that autism can pose challenges to a person’s comprehension of standard sexual education material. Sex ed necessitates a focus on topics that may be uncomfortable, honing in on social behaviors and scenarios involving intimacy, and this could be an anxiety trigger for you. Many classrooms do not accommodate diverse learning styles, making the barriers to understanding sex ed quite palpable for those with ASD.
Sexual abuse
A recent study found that while 30% of women in the general population have experienced sexual violence, 90% of autistic women are survivors of sexual abuse. Due in part to difficulty with social cues, people with ASD can be more prone to coercion or to being tricked into having sex with someone they know, or someone who cares for them. Autism does not make people naïve; it’s just that they tend to take things at face value. Therefore, you may not initially suspect that someone who “loves” you does not necessarily mean what they say.
How to live your best sex life with autism
Understand consent
Fact: not everyone communicates in the same ways, and your social cues may be different than your partner’s. Understanding your partner’s consent cues is integral to maintaining trust and intimacy. The best way to decrease miscommunication in its many forms is to communicate explicitly with your partner about your needs, wants, limits, etc—this is much easier accomplished when not in the heat of the moment. Together, you can establish ground rules for sexual activity as well as a deeper understanding of one another.
Learn creative communication
It’s 100% your choice whether you decide to tell your partner about your autism—but doing so can create a much stronger foundation of well-informed communication. If you don't feel equipped to disclose this, it’s normal: many people with ASD are taught to do what it takes to fit in, AKA masking. Whatever level of disclosure you choose, it may be worth deciding on a safeword, gesture, or sound that indicates “stop” before getting physical with your partner. This can go a long way toward helping you feel safe and comfortable. You might even go one further and choose additional safewords/gestures to mean “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.”
Work with your sensitivities
If there are certain sensory stimuli you need to avoid, do so. For instance, tie your hair up if the tickling causes discomfort, or wear lightweight clothing if skin-to-skin feels uncomfortable. To avoid overstimulation, it may sometimes be helpful to use a blindfold, or try positions facing away from your partner. Similarly, if there are sensations or textures you find comforting (or exhilarating), i.e., the feel of rope, leather, or ice, embrace that. “There are times when I can feel my emotions with every cell in my body, so if that is a positive or euphoric emotion, that can be an amazing thing,” says Lauren Megrew, an autistic psychologist and psychotherapist. Whatever your needs, be sure to share them with your partner and assure mutual consent.
If your partner has autism
Learn more about ASD
Your partner likely has executive function deficits such as planning, organizing, prioritizing, time management, emotional regulation, and impulse control. You may be relied upon to perform these tasks, which can be taxing at the best of times. Try not to assume lack of motivation or behavioral issues, however; your partner is simply wired differently. Knowledge is power, and better understanding them is the first step toward a stronger bond.
Seek therapy
You and/or your partner may benefit from counselling. It may be helpful to seek out a solo therapist, a specialized couples therapist, and/or join a support group for people with partners on the spectrum. You can find counsellors with autism experience on the Autism Services Directory.
Learn communication strategies that work…for both of you
For starters, sitting side-by-side may work best for talking, as people with ASD often have trouble processing verbal information while maintaining eye contact. Just as your partner must learn to communicate clearly, so too must your communication be calm and direct. Together, you might discuss behavioral expectations—know that you may need to provide very explicit instructions, even for actions like hugging. Clearly outlining your social, emotional, mental, physical, and sexual needs is crucial. Your partner will very likely want to meet those needs once they understand how.
