How to tell him that he didn't make you cum (and other sweet nothings)

By Maya Khamala

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: bad sex is a social justice issue. To me, anything less than sweet victory sing-songy sex (no matter how loving or filthy or problematic or all-consuming, or all of the above) is simply a waste of life force. Sex that doesn’t make you feel good and respected (even if your jam is pretend objectification and disrespect) is like eating completely tasteless chocolate cake and then gaining weight. Sex that doesn’t make you quiver or cum and then gives you a yeast infection is a disturbing parallel here. I even once had a friend who got pregnant without ever having had an orgasm. I, on the other hand, have kicked oblivious men out of my apartment for not paying enough attention to my pleasure. While it’s true that we must choose our battles, I argue that this is a battle worth choosing every time.

I understand it can be difficult to tell a man when he’s not up to par, or when he seems to be only thinking of himself. I hear it can be difficult to tell a man that he might have his wires crossed, that women are not only in it for the cuddling, that our anatomies are magic galaxies and that laziness or selfishness in the face of a magic galaxy is highly offensive. I know there have been rumours circulating for the last few centuries (or longer) that women should worry about hurting men’s feelings. But if this is true, I’m pretty sure it only applies when our feelings are being cared for to begin with.

Goddess Ground Rules  

When I communicate with a man about sex, I am purposefully direct, but I use humour, because that’s my style, and because it cuts tension. We are all individuals and every two people share a different rapport, so there is no cut-and-dry script that will work for telling a man what you want. But for goddess’ sake, no matter what, do follow these basic rules:

1. Do not fake an orgasm 

This does no one any good at all. Not you, not him, and not future generations of women or men. If you've faked one and are caught in a faking-cycle, there's a way out, boo. Do you really want to be part of a relationship based on pretend merging? Long-term? Don’t rob yourself of real connection.

2. Do not worry about hurting his feelings! 

Yes, sure, be nice, be tactful if the situation calls for it, but this is your body we’re talking about, and possibly your heart! This is your worth, and you’re worth a lot. You are not being dramatic or causing a fuss or asking too much by demanding to be treated as a sexual equal—someone just as worthy of pleasure as a man. Would you ever dream of cumming and then not helping your man finish? No? Then quit treating yourself like a second-class citizen.

3. Do not worry about losing him  

This is a real self-esteem issue that many of us women suffer from. He’s not doing you any favours by being with you/sleeping with you. On the contrary, he should be so lucky to have a goddess like you grace him with your divine, sensual magnitude. I’m being dead serious. If a man loses interest in you because you speak your mind, tell him how you like to be pleased, or ask him not to leave you hanging, then my friend, he is not worth your grunts and moans and there is a better man waiting in the wings. Trust me on this one.

4. Remember that a woman who knows what she wants and asks for it is hot  

If you suddenly become that woman, he might be taken aback at first, but if he’s a winner, he may just find it makes him hard all over again. Not trying to be crude (ok, I am) but it’s true. Of course, you’re doing it for you, not him.

Loose (woman) scripts  

Life really is too short to have less-than-mind-blowing sex. Although scripts can never be adhered to exactly and must be adjusted to fit our style and scenario, consider commencing the following dialogues next time (goddess forbid) you find yourself having less-than-stellar sex.

Scenario A: He came; you didn’t 

It’s a criminally common one, ladies. Make no mistake, the orgasm gap is real. If he cums first and makes no move to help you out, or rolls over to go to sleep, or pulls his pants on to leave, you should say something, whether or not you ever plan on seeing him again.


a) “You just gonna leave me hanging?” (still heaving, hopefully at least somewhat aroused).

b) “I’m still so turned on” (lie there suggestively and feel free to touch yourself).

c) “Um…so, I’m used to having an orgasm every time, kinda like a man” (feel free to smile or giggle after this one. It’s direct, but has worked for me).

Scenario B: There’s not enough foreplay 

I’ve never understood how anyone can separate foreplay and sex proper. It’s a continuum, baby. You need to be aroused to have sex, and don’t let anyone tell you differently! There are endless creative foreplay ideas out there, from the filthy to the intimate, and the beautiful areas where they cross over. If penetrative sex is your main course of choice and you happen to need more in the way of a build-up, express yourself!


a) “Can you do [x] a little more first?” (Maybe you liked the tongue flicking thing he was did for all of 5 seconds and want more).

b) “I’m not ready” (If he’s trying to slide inside you and you’re not aroused enough, it can hurt. Be honest, and follow it up with the comment above).

c) “Can we slow it down and explore a little more?” (Here you can suggest a specific game, activity, or simply initiate further foreplay yourself by gently guiding his hands/mouth, etc to their rightful place). 

Scenario C: It doesn’t last long enough 

If your chosen lover has an issue with cumming too fast and not being able to control it, this is all the more reason to focus on Scenario B, foreplay. There is an infinitude of ways to reach climax, and penetrative sex is not high on the list for many women. If your man cums too fast, that’s something for him to work on, but he should also be taking measures to make you cum first if this is the case. Tell him: you like to have orgasms too.


a) “You know, the easiest way for me to cum is [x]” (Maybe it’s oral, maybe it’s his hand with some simultaneous toy action).

b) “It feels so amazing when you [x]” (Tell him what he’s doing right, as a way of telling him what to do more).

c) Suggest a creative foreplay experiment wherein you both climax without any penetration. (This is a great way to get closer to your partner and understand each other’s bodies better).

Scenario D: His hygiene is not up to par 

Men need to wash their hands before sticking their fingers inside of us. And the rest of their bodies should also be clean…If your man smokes cigarettes, this is especially important. Our delicate tissues can bring life into the world, true, but they’re also, well, delicate. Your guy should also be well aware of the risks of anal-vaginal cross contamination and take appropriate precautions. While it sucks to have to educate your guy and tell him to go wash his hands, it has never ruined the mood for me. And it beats having to forego sex for weeks to nurse an infection. Same goes for anything he’s doing that hurts, or doesn’t feel great, of course! Speak up.


a) “Wanna take a shower with me?” (A tried and true classic, and also great foreplay).

b) “Can you wash your hands first? I’m delicate/sensitive” (your chosen adjective. Feel free to smile and stroke him seductively as you say it).

c) “Can you please be careful going back and forth, or use different fingers?” (anything to draw his attention to the fact that you have separate orifices for a reason.”

d) “That hurts” (or simply move his hand away and initiate something else).

Bottom line  

This is about your self-esteem and you claiming your right to a healthy one. If your loverman doesn’t respond to any of the above comments, still leaves you hanging, is apparently oblivious, or even downright hostile, I would honestly drop him. Sex is never just sex. If he treats you badly or carelessly in bed, he’ll do the same outside of it, even if you don’t see it yet. 

World class sex for all, I say!!! Happy boot-knocking, lovelies. 

Image Source: BeType 

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