Here's how to ask for exactly what you want in bed

By Priya Alika

Here’s the thing about sex: straight women aren’t having a great time doing it.

Studies show that we don’t have as many orgasms as men do (or as gay women!) Why? The Orgasm Gap. One reason for it is that many of us are afraid to speak up, or afraid to be “selfish” (the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing women that our sexual pleasure isn’t as important as a man’s). Well, sis, that’s gotta change. Read on for a handy guide on how to transform your sex life from merely “okay” to “the neighbours complain about the noise.” 

First, figure out what you like 

There are grown women- GROWN WOMEN – who are walking around in their thirties still unsure of their turn-ons and kinks. If that’s you, and you have told yourself “eh, I’m pretty vanilla, I like all the usual things”… are you sure? Have you exhausted all the possibilities of experimentation? 

Listen. Nobody’s going to take the time to figure out what gets you off. That’s on you, girl. Spend a whole afternoon with your vibrator, trying out techniques. Watch different categories of porn. You may unearth something that you never knew about yourself before, something that gives you a mind-blowing orgasm. That’s step one. 

Accept that it’s normal to have needs 

Do you feel bad and awkward asking for what you want? Makes sense. You’re a woman, and sadly, we’re not socialized to express our needs as loudly and frequently as men do. But that doesn’t mean you should accept a life of mediocre sex because you were afraid to ask a guy to spank you! Once you understand your desires, you have to accept them. Nobody is judging you except yourself: be kind. 

Mention them casually during sex 

If you feel nervous bringing it up in the cold light of day, don’t. You don’t have to have a sweaty-palms conversation with your sexual partner about what you like: simply slip it in in the heat of the moment. When you’re having sex, say something like "Oh, baby, you know what would be amazing right now is if you-" It’s so much more organic and natural. And unless it’s something very complicated – cosplay or something of the kind – they can do it right then. 

Don’t compromise on them 

Say you can’t come from penetrative sex (like the MAJORITY of women), and you require oral to come, but your partner doesn’t go down on you often enough. Bring it up!

Yes, it’s terrifying to ask for. You feel like a gross, horny, needy woman in the moment. (How dare you have all these NEEDS!) But ask yourself this, how many cis men would have sex without expecting to reach orgasm? 

Yeah. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying plainly: “Hey, could you go down on me more when we have sex?” If he’s a worthwhile partner, he’ll understand that he’s gotta step up his game. Otherwise – congratulations on taking the trash out, ladies! Do you really want a life of not enough orgasms? C’mon. The world is bleak enough already: get you a partner who will strive to meet your sexual needs. 

And finally, practice, practice, practice  

Being good at asking for what you want is just like anything else in the world: it’s a muscle. Once you practice, it gets better! Don’t be afraid to try- you’ll find that it’s much easier the second time, and the third…

And the best bonus of all? It leaks into the rest of your life. Before you know it, you’ll be requesting that promotion with the same ease and confidence. Go forth and good luck to you, beautiful! 


Stay in the loop, bbOur top stories delivered to your inbox weekly