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How to have hot phone sex 101

By Maya Khamala

According to sexologist Rebecca Alvarez Story, phone sex is one of the most underutilized ways to turn someone on. When we think about being sexy, romancing the ears isn’t necessarily the first thing that comes to mind.

But, she says, “The sound of someone’s voice and moans can be seriously arousing.”

Not to mention, while your partner’s hands or tongue or hot bod may not be immediately accessible, your own hands and toys and imagination are right there if you should desire them!

Maybe you’re in a long-distance relationship and want to keep things interesting, or maybe you’re simply in the mood to romance your latest potential Tinder lover from the comfort of your own home, or maybe your SO travels a lot for work. Hell, maybe you just enjoy making inappropriate (but consensual) calls to your partner while they’re at work. Whatever the reason, you don’t need a reason to explore any and all avenues of arousal before you.

Understandably, the thought of phone sex might very well make you cringe, but don’t knock it till you’ve tried it! While it’s true that nowadays we’re super well-equipped with the likes of Zoom, FaceTime, Skype, etc., etc., etc., the fact is that sometimes it’s even more exciting to use your filthy imagination. 

Here are a few tips to help you get started!

1. Ask for consent

Consent is the kind of thing you need to ask for each and every time. If you and your partner have never done it before, you might float the idea by them in a relaxed moment, or in a text, if that’s more comfortable. If they don’t seem completely at ease with the idea, you might engage in a discussion about why. Maybe they feel more comfortable with visual cues, and video is a better choice. Or maybe they're just shy. It may be easier to start out sexting instead, and gradually get more comfortable (and aroused) with the idea. And if phone sex dates are already par for the course in your relationship, it never hurts to check with your SO in advance to make sure they’re in the mood first rather than springing it on them. Besides, anticipation is the best foreplay.

2. Strengthen your vocab

Phone sex is a whole lot better when you use active verbs like suck, twist, stroke, tickle, pull, thrust, lick, caress…Maybe your vocab doesn’t need strengthening. But if you feel you could use a little guidance in the realm of words, consider getting yourself more in a sensual mindset by reading or listening to erotica, or watching porn. Not only will this clarify the type of exchange that turns you on, but it will also get your head dancing with all kinds of ways to use your words with wicked intent. All of this being said, if you and your partner have never engaged in any form of dirty talk (or even if you have), it’s always a good idea to check in about what types of language actually turn them on (versus turn them off)—like what words they prefer to use to talk about their genitals, for instance. And while you’re at it, you should feel very free to share your own preferences. After all, this is supposed to be hot for all involved!

3. Set the mood

Even though you’re not setting the stage for a visual visitation, you should do everything you can to help yourself feel sexy and in the zone. This might mean lighting some candles or some incense, and/or wearing something that makes you feel sexy— whether that’s high-end lingerie, or sweats. Because when you feel sexy, that’s going to come across in your voice, ‘nam sayin’? If you and your partner are planning the session in advance, maybe they want to jump on the ambience bandwagon too.

4. Get creative

If you’ve ever taken a creative writing class, the single most repeated piece of advice applies here as well: show, don’t tell. While, technically, everything you say will be ‘telling,’ the idea is to ’show’ by being as descriptive as possible. What better way is there to be present in the visceral, sensual realities of the flesh? The more details you capture, the more you’ll stimulate your partner’s imagination (and your own). Explain what you’re doing to yourself as you’re doing it. Ask lots of questions— about what they’re wearing/doing; what they thought about last time they masturbated; how they want you to touch them; or where they want you to put your hands/tongue. You might also use phone sex has a way of exploring fantasies that turn you on in theory, but which you know you wouldn’t want to try in person (i.e., double or triple penetration). Whatever you do, don’t rush. Phone sex, much like in-person sex, is best served slow. Hot tip: when in doubt, whisper: pretty much anything can sound sexy if you whisper it slowly.

5. Touch yourself

Definitely touch yourself. Ultimately, hot phone sex generally comes down to a shared experience of masturbation and simultaneous conversation. Don’t hesitate to touch yourself, if anything, because it will keep you turned on and in the moment. If you want to use a toy, break it out, and tell your partner about it. Don’t worry about getting so aroused that you lose the thread of the conversation. Every breath, and every sound you make is a part of this exchange. If you find you’re about to climax, share the moment with your partner by saying, “I’m gonna cum,” or  whatever phrase you prefer to use. Chances are this will help them get there too, since hearing you orgasm is probably one of the most titillating experiences they could possibly have.

6. Have a sense of humor

If you’re not used to talking dirty, phone sex can feel really awkward and a little (or a lot) cheesy. But do your best to roll with it and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourselves. If you’re laughing, that’s a sign that you’re comfortable with one another and are having a good time. It doesn’t mean you’re not where you should be. Seriously, though: laughter during sex never means that. Embrace the joy, why don't you?

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