10 myths that are low-key ruining people’s pleasure

Sex is supposed to feel gooood. Obvious, right? But thanks to generations of weird shame, bad sex ed, and a general fear of bodies doing body, bawdy things, most of us have been handed a bunch of 'rules' that kill the vibe before our panties even hit the ground.

We’re talking about myths that sneak into your brain like pop-up ads: uninvited, kind of loud, and unsettlingly hard to ignore. They tell you what sex should be like, how orgasms have to feel, and how your body should look—and they’re low-key (high-key) ruining people’s pleasure.

This (not) just in: there's no better way to clear the way for way better, badder sex than to debunk these pleasure-destroying myths. Shall we?

1. Orgasms are the goal.

This one’s basically the boss bitch of sexual lore. Somewhere along the line, we were all fed the idea that if there’s no orgasm, the sex didn’t count. Or wasn’t “successful.” Or maybe you’re the problem. (Spoiler: you’re not.) It's understandable where this comes from: the all-too-real orgasm gap is patently unjust.

Still, here’s the whole truth: pleasure isn’t a finish line, it’s a vibe. Orgasms are great—amazing even—but sex can still be deeply satisfying without one. Pressure to “perform” can actually block the very thing you're trying to chase. Focus on connection, sensation, and play instead. If the orgasm happens, awesome. If it doesn’t, you can still fully inhabit your pleasure.

2. Only penetrative sex counts as “real” sex.

Raise your hand if you've ever thought (or been told) that anything that doesn’t involve a penis and a vagina doing the ol’ in-and-out isn’t “real” sex. Yeah, same.

This myth erases the experiences of queer people, minimizes the importance of other kinds of intimacy, and reduces pleasure to a single physical act. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, using toys together, sensual massage, erotic roleplay—all of it is real sex if it’s consensual and pleasurable.

Honestly, sometimes a makeout session with eye contact and heavy breathing is hotter than any P-in-V scenario ever filmed.

3. If you need lube, something’s wrong.

Nope. Not even close.

Lube is not a backup plan—for many, it’s a game-changer. Bodies are not vending machines—you don’t insert a quarter (or a compliment) and get instant results. Arousal can be complex, and vaginal wetness (or lack thereof) doesn’t always match what’s going on in the brain or the heart. Hormones, stress, meds, time of day, hydration—all of it affects natural lubrication.

Using lube doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're smart. Lube = less friction, more sensation, better orgasms, and fewer "ow" moments. Always invite lube to the party.

4. Good sex should be spontaneous.

This myth is like that rom-com scene where two people crash into each other on a rainy sidewalk and end up having earth-shattering sex in a broom closet five minutes later. Cute in theory, unrealistic in reality.

Great sex often takes intentionality. That means planning, talking, prepping, and maybe even putting it on the calendar. And that doesn’t make it less sexy—it makes it hotter. Anticipation is foreplay. Communication is foreplay. Hell, scheduling can be foreplay if you do it right.

Don’t wait for the mood to magically strike or for time to open up before you like a red carpet. Get it, create it.

5. You should know what you want without exploring.

Ah, the old "you should just know what turns you on" narrative. Like desire is hardwired and perfectly downloadable at puberty. It’s not.

Exploration is part of the process. That might look like: reading erotica, trying a toy for the first time, fantasizing, touching yourself in new ways, or even just paying attention to what feels good instead of what you think should feel good.

Curiosity is sexy. Give yourself permission to be a pleasure detective.

6. Men are always ready for sex.

This one’s unfair to literally everyone.

For men, it creates shame when they’re not instantly hard or interested. For their partners, it builds unrealistic expectations that all men are walking erections 24/7. In reality, arousal is nuanced for everyone. Truth.

Men can feel pressure, stress, sadness, insecurity—all things that affect libido and performance. Just like any other human. Desire ebbs and flows. Let it. Normalize men saying, “I’m not in the mood” or “Let’s just cuddle tonight.” That’s hot, too.

7. You’re supposed to look sexy while having sex.

Somewhere along the way, we absorbed the lie that pleasure only counts if it’s aesthetically pleasing. Cue people sucking in their stomachs mid-orgasm, worrying about angles, or stopping mid-stroke to fix their hair.

News flash: your O-face doesn’t need to be Instagrammable. Great sex is sweaty, messy, loud, weird, and sometimes hilariously awkward. That’s what makes it real.

Let go of looking sexy and feel sexy instead. It’s way more powerful (and way more fun).

8. You can’t use toys with a partner.

False. Using toys doesn’t mean your partner isn’t “enough.” It means you’re into enhancing pleasure, trying new things, and prioritizing your orgasm—together.

Vibrators can amplify sensations for both partners. Dildos can help with stamina. Wearable toys? Chef’s kiss. Toys are tools, not replacements. Think of them as part of your own personal pleasure league.

And if a partner feels intimidated by toys? That’s a convo worth having. Not to shame them—but to explore why, and grow together.

9. There’s a right way to do it.

The “right way” myth is sneaky. It shows up in Cosmo-style “sex tips,” in rigid gender roles, in tired scripts about who should initiate and how long it should last.

The truth? There is no universal right way to have sex. There’s just your way. And that might change over time. Or from day to day. Or depending on the season, the position of Mercury, or what you had for lunch.

Let go of the script. Follow what feels good. Rewrite your own rules.

10. Sex should be easy if you love each other.

It may seem like a dirty trick, but guess what? Love does not equal mind-reading. Or sexual compatibility. Or instant orgasms.

Even in loving, committed relationships, sex takes communication, vulnerability, patience, and practice. Sometimes it’s clunky. Sometimes it’s awkward. Sometimes someone cries (and not in the hot way). That’s okay. That’s actually normal human behaviour.

Love helps. But skills, openness, and trust are what sustain great sex.

Bottom line: these myths are not your fault. But you can choose to stop believing them. Pleasure is your birthright—it’s not supposed to feel like a performance review, or a race, or a checklist. It’s a wild and dreamy playground overflowing with gorgeous potential.

So here’s your permission slip to unlearn the nonsense, explore your wants, ask for what you need, and make sex your own again. Myth-free, shame-free, and teeming with possibility.